Category: Uncategorized

Big Decisions 

We tried again … not many know but we did.   A third and final miscarriage late last year. 

It was easier in the sense that we went into this pregnancy with a clear understanding of the risks.  Well, it was clear for me.   I do not pretend to completely understand Edward and his feelings in all of this, even though I try.  His experience is his own.  

We talked about trying again … and we even planned on it.  Agreed to try.  

I started having nightmares.  Anxiety.  Ed said, “If this isn’t exciting and fun for you, then we’re done.”

So … the past couple of months have been a new journey.   A lot of tests to ensure that I am okay to proceed with this operation.  And as of yesterday, I have been cleared for tubal ligation and ablation.  I’m excited.  A little sad, a lot scared, but mostly excited to never worry about a pregnancy again

It is so funny when you think about it or maybe I’m a little hysterical with emotion.  I can’t even fathom what it is like not to worry, but, at the same time I’m excited to know.  

What I really think about, when I consider what I will not ever feel again, is that moment.  The moment in which I felt fear or excitement or even when I dared to hope … that has hit me dead-on a few times in my life.         

I’m late – am I pregnant?!!!

I don’t regret a single one of those moments and I cherish each one always.   Where there was fear there was always hope (or vice versa) and you really can’t live without both.  

I still remember that first positive pregnancy test with Sweetpea … my heart thumped in my chest the same way it did when I tested positive with Lyzi two decades prior.  Previous to that moment, I always thought the nervousness and excitement I felt was due largely to my young age ….  Nope … just another part of motherhood.   

Whether or not the test was positive or negative or the pregancy was realized beyond that moment.  Never again do I need to worry or hope or even consider the possibility.  

Big decision.        

It is time.        

I am relieved. 

Keep On Keeping On

It’s been about 15 weeks since I lost Aoife.  Friends and family ask me how I’m doing, and honestly I can say I am doing really well on the whole.

The hospital called me – one of the nurses – to chat about how I’m feeling.  I was invited to a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial event on October 15th this year – I think I should go to that.  It will be hard, but I know I will feel better after.

I feel like the progress with my arm is a physical representation of my emotional healing.  The physical pain always reminds me of the pregnancy – it is so much less than what I experienced during the pregnancy, but on days that I work it with stretching and strengthening, the pain resumes a little.  The restriction in movement reminds me of the helplessness I felt during those last few weeks.  And the gains I make in pain relief and movement through exercise and therapy remind me of the healing I’ve done and that I still have some ways to go.

Keep on keeping on.