It’s been a little over two weeks since my Novasure ablation and tubal ligation procedure. I found that reading other women’s blogs, stories or comments gave me a lot … Continue reading Shock and Awe or My Poor Uterus
We tried again … not many know but we did. A third and final miscarriage late last year.
It was easier in the sense that we went into this pregnancy with a clear understanding of the risks. Well, it was clear for me. I do not pretend to completely understand Edward and his feelings in all of this, even though I try. His experience is his own.
We talked about trying again … and we even planned on it. Agreed to try.
I started having nightmares. Anxiety. Ed said, “If this isn’t exciting and fun for you, then we’re done.”
So … the past couple of months have been a new journey. A lot of tests to ensure that I am okay to proceed with this operation. And as of yesterday, I have been cleared for tubal ligation and ablation. I’m excited. A little sad, a lot scared, but mostly excited to never worry about a pregnancy again.
It is so funny when you think about it or maybe I’m a little hysterical with emotion. I can’t even fathom what it is like not to worry, but, at the same time I’m excited to know.
What I really think about, when I consider what I will not ever feel again, is that moment. The moment in which I felt fear or excitement or even when I dared to hope … that has hit me dead-on a few times in my life.
I’m late – am I pregnant?!!!
I don’t regret a single one of those moments and I cherish each one always. Where there was fear there was always hope (or vice versa) and you really can’t live without both.
I still remember that first positive pregnancy test with Sweetpea … my heart thumped in my chest the same way it did when I tested positive with Lyzi two decades prior. Previous to that moment, I always thought the nervousness and excitement I felt was due largely to my young age …. Nope … just another part of motherhood.
Whether or not the test was positive or negative or the pregancy was realized beyond that moment. Never again do I need to worry or hope or even consider the possibility.
It is time.
I am relieved.
2017 F*ck It List After much thinking and discussing with Eddie over the past month and, especially during our weekend in the woods, I’ve narrowed down a few goals for … Continue reading Happy New Year!
It doesn’t feel like it’s been one year since I lost Aoife and yet, at the same time, it most definitely does. While every lost pregnancy has been trying – … Continue reading An Epic Hike
A few weeks ago I had yet another breakthrough in my grieving process … my losses previously left me feeling as though all my pregnancy experiences had been robbed of … Continue reading Happy, Hot! and Lovely June
It’s been about 15 weeks since I lost Aoife. Friends and family ask me how I’m doing, and honestly I can say I am doing really well on the whole.
The hospital called me – one of the nurses – to chat about how I’m feeling. I was invited to a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial event on October 15th this year – I think I should go to that. It will be hard, but I know I will feel better after.
I feel like the progress with my arm is a physical representation of my emotional healing. The physical pain always reminds me of the pregnancy – it is so much less than what I experienced during the pregnancy, but on days that I work it with stretching and strengthening, the pain resumes a little. The restriction in movement reminds me of the helplessness I felt during those last few weeks. And the gains I make in pain relief and movement through exercise and therapy remind me of the healing I’ve done and that I still have some ways to go.
Keep on keeping on.
It’s almost the end of February – one more day and it will be March! How about a quick check-in on my F*ck It List progress? Feel better: Body, Heart and … Continue reading February F*ck It List Update