We tried again … not many know but we did. A third and final miscarriage late last year.
It was easier in the sense that we went into this pregnancy with a clear understanding of the risks. Well, it was clear for me. I do not pretend to completely understand Edward and his feelings in all of this, even though I try. His experience is his own.
We talked about trying again … and we even planned on it. Agreed to try.
I started having nightmares. Anxiety. Ed said, “If this isn’t exciting and fun for you, then we’re done.”
So … the past couple of months have been a new journey. A lot of tests to ensure that I am okay to proceed with this operation. And as of yesterday, I have been cleared for tubal ligation and ablation. I’m excited. A little sad, a lot scared, but mostly excited to never worry about a pregnancy again.
It is so funny when you think about it or maybe I’m a little hysterical with emotion. I can’t even fathom what it is like not to worry, but, at the same time I’m excited to know.
What I really think about, when I consider what I will not ever feel again, is that moment. The moment in which I felt fear or excitement or even when I dared to hope … that has hit me dead-on a few times in my life.
I’m late – am I pregnant?!!!
I don’t regret a single one of those moments and I cherish each one always. Where there was fear there was always hope (or vice versa) and you really can’t live without both.
I still remember that first positive pregnancy test with Sweetpea … my heart thumped in my chest the same way it did when I tested positive with Lyzi two decades prior. Previous to that moment, I always thought the nervousness and excitement I felt was due largely to my young age …. Nope … just another part of motherhood.
Whether or not the test was positive or negative or the pregancy was realized beyond that moment. Never again do I need to worry or hope or even consider the possibility.
It is time.
I am relieved.