It doesn’t feel like it’s been one year since I lost Aoife and yet, at the same time, it most definitely does. While every lost pregnancy has been trying – losing Aoife was tougher on me. I think because I was so far along and had so many ultrasounds – I felt like I already knew her. Always moving around and bouncing, she definitely would have been a handful.
Today Steve, Lyzi’s boyfriend, was so kind and escorted me through the Superstition Wilderness so that I could honor my lost babies from the past couple of years. Since Aoife’s ashes were spread somewhere in that park by the hospital (I don’t know exactly where), the Superstitions have become my place to reflect and remember the hopes I had for all my pregnancies. It has become a very safe, serene and personal place to me. About a year ago this was planned — after my first F*ck It List post! Steve has hiked extensively through the Superstitions and knew exactly the hike I proposed attempting as he had done it quite a few times.
We chatted a lot about all sorts of things on our thru-hike from Peralta to First water – for 5 hours we hiked! Our personal hiking bucket lists, healthy habits, the recent election, the craziness of our current political landscape and our funny families. There was enough quiet time for me to ponder on my babies, but not so much that I became overwhelmed with grief.
The grief has definitely been building the past week and I had a nice cry this evening by myself while decorating my tree. My children are out and about living their busy lives, Edward is at work so Project Tree Decoration 2016 has fallen to me… but it’s not like I am alone. Pinot and Watson are giving me plenty of puppy dog eyes and Murphy lots of trouble. Puppy kisses are perfect for cleaning up tears.
While I definitely need to revise and update my F*ck It List for 2017 – I think this is a perfect time to see how I did on this year’s list:
Feel better: Body, Heart and Soul
I have definitely come a long way – but don’t you think this is more of a life-long process, anyways? My shoulder is at about 95% recovery. I have been able to start some weight bearing exercises even. Emotionally – I have more good days than bad days, so I think we can say the depression has been beaten, at least. My Soul is filled with light, love and laughter – I can feel it as my mindset is so positive in general.
Continue paying off debt.
Yeah definitely going on 2017’s list.
Aiden’s room – we have been in this house for a year – complete his room.
Get rid of all the extra shit I have in my house. There is a lot – most of it is in the back room.
Complete the back room – do something with it instead of collecting shit.
Run one race a month in memory of my babies.
I did miss a race in August but ran two in September ;o) – I have one more race next weekend and this particular item will be a done deal.
Plan a destination race – possibly a Wine Theme – California or Washington?
Nope – gotta move to 2017.
Plan two week-long vacations.
PHX Summit Challenge – November PHX5.
Plan an EPIC hike – Phantom Ranch? Peralta to First Water?
As of today – DONE! One of my favorite days this year, even though at times I was sad, I felt very uplifted as well.
Be ready to house hunt Jan 2017, move in spring (with as little shit) to pack as possible.
Hike all 10 hikes on the Best Winter Hikes in Phoenix list.
Just a few more to go! Reavis is definitely as must as it is in the Superstitions!
- Piestewa Circumference – Freedom Trail #302
- Picketpost Mountain
- Tom’s Thumb
- Boyce Thompson Arboretum
- Reavis Falls
Learn to make homemade beer.
Uh, yeah … I definitely need to work on this! We have all the supplies, just need to make it happen.
In a couple weeks I am going to work on a new list – my theme for next year will be Growth, as opposed to Recovery.
Take care my friends and best wishes for a joyous holiday season. Be kind to yourself, love yourself and most importantly let your loved ones know how much you adore them, too!