I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this past week – about all of “it” – the pregnancies – whether or not to try again – the meaning of our losses. Which speaking of — why does every horrible or wonderful thing always have to have a meaning – was it meant to be? A sign of some sort? A message from a power greater than myself, that this isn’t a path intended for us? Or some sort of journey to help me – help us – decide if this is something we really want? Or is it all just genetics, age, science – the fact that old eggs sometimes just don’t divide the way they should? I have no answers for any of that, of course.
The last time I drove through the northern parts of Arizona and Southern Utah I was pregnant with Aoife – driving up north to visit my parents with Aiden during the Thanksgiving holiday. The last time I was in Vegas I was pregnant with SweetPea – I spent a week there with Lyzi celebrating her 21st birthday. Traveling through those areas in the past week brought up some happy memories. Such joyous times with my kids where I was full of hope for another child to join our family. This of course triggered some sadness for the pregnancies I lost – quiet times of reflection.
But, what a fun trip we’ve had! A lot of hiking, running and exploring; we spent two whole days in Zion National Park. An awesome and beautiful place – I plan to go back and hike the Narrows in the summer for sure. We even spent a short stint in Vegas — Ed came out $80 on top and we bugged the hell outta there before I lost his winnings and then some. It was nice to get out and play for the day and spend time with both my Mom and her bestie, Julie.
I’ve done so much thinking this trip – on whether or not to try again. Some days I feel that life right now is perfect, so really perfect. And especially if just the experience of this trip is considered, how nice for Ed and I to take this time together with no kids, no pups, no worries – just us! No babies sure makes this easier to do, and heck of a lot less stressful.
And yet — of course “yet” — there is something about being in love that makes a couple want to create a little piece of themselves to share. There is always the wonder of what a child of ours would be like and the utterly, completely beautiful, wonderful chaos he or she would bring. I love my children so much and who they are as a mixture of myself, their father and of course their own growing souls.
My biggest fear is not that we won’t get pregnant, but that we will. How horrible is that? I know for sure I am not ready for the paralyzing fear a pregnancy would bring. Not yet.
“Sigh” — that is how I feel after this week. A sigh of sadness, resignation, hope, wonder, awe and happiness all in one. One thing is for sure – I am not ready to make any final decisions as I waver from moment to moment.
Update on the F*ck It List – this time I’m just going to highlight where there has been some measure of progress or a change of heart.
Continue Paying Off Debt – progress!
Aiden’s Room – actually I think I am deleting this off the list. We are going to start house hunting in October. I see no reason to invest time in a project that will only be enjoyed for 3 to 4 months.
Get Rid of Shit – still progress! And there will be more. I am going to buy some boxes from U-haul next payday and start packing soon – as I pack I WILL TOSS! It feels so amazing to de-clutter! Highly recommended.
Run a race every month in memory of my babes lost – in March I ran the Mountain to Fountain with my good friend Jess; check out her blog – This Fit Girl – good stuff! What a great race, fabulous company and a fun day! We won our weight in beer! How funky is that?
Earlier this month Lyzi and I ran the Dionysius Dash in Florence – which was a 5K that ended with wine tastings. We enjoyed pizza in the sun and Lyzi found a bottle of wine to purchase for her boyfriend Steve. They gave away pork rinds in the goodie bag – that was odd but Lyzi tried them, it was a fail. I still have mine in the pantry – my collection spot for race goodies, apparently.
Both races were fun tributes to the babies. I have not found or planned a destination race – unless the Whiskey Row Marathon in Prescott counts. I think it could count – while I have been to Prescott before I have never run this race. I will be racing this in May with my other friend Jess – so excited!
Be ready to house hunt – we are so ready to move that we’ve upped our target date from January 2017 to October of this year!
Practice Gratitude during the hard times – this week I picked up a small stone out of the Virgin River – my Gratitude Rock – as a reminder for me to practice this positive thinking. Carrying a rock in your pocket is a good way to constantly remind yourself of something – whatever it is you want to remember. So, every time I feel it I think, “Wait, what is this in my pocket?” which leads to “Oh, yeah – what are you thankful for at this moment?”
My new F*ck It List goal:
Get my physical body, my weight, back to my comfy spot – next week I am meeting with the best Nutrition Coach in the world, Katie Pena of Katie Pena Wellness. I’ve worked with Katie before, with fantastic results, but I knew mentally I wasn’t ready to begin this journey. I’ve spent a good part of this year trying to work through my emotions – sadness, grief, confusion, hopelessness and anger. My focus has been really on my mental well being and that’s is how it should have been! I’ve lost almost half the weight I gained the last pregnancy, and even though physically I am feeling closer to my old self, I need some damn discipline and accountability to just get back into my favorite pair of jeans. Too much sugar, carbs, beer, wine and well, pizza and burgers to be honest! You just can’t outrun a bad diet. Now the whole world knows as I’ve put this goal out on the internets. I hope to report great progress on this through the summer.
There have been quite a few tears shed the first quarter of 2016 – I think it’s time for blooms and blossoms of goodness during the late Spring and Summer. Wouldn’t you agree?