It’s an odd feeling … being so happy lately. When the majority of the past year has been filled with more than a person’s fair share of fear, anxiety, worry and stress – followed by the inconsolable grief of loss … it’s just so odd to have a great day, let alone more than one. To be honest, I’ve had quite a few good days the past week. I feel on edge though, waiting for the shit-storm to hit. I hope life, God, the universe (insert personal belief systems here) will cut me some slack for a bit, though.
Ed and I had an amazing conversation a week or so ago – and really connected. I’ve felt more connected to him lately than I have in quite some time. Probably since our wedding, actually. That sounds sad – but I think if couples are honest, it’s normal to gravitate away and back together at various times throughout the years and the relationship as a whole. As long as you come together periodically and renew your connections, it’s perfectly okay. It helps partners to have something to connect about – the times when they’re learning their own lessons and experiencing their own life.
When I was pregnant this last time, I was consumed with what could go wrong, and I felt Ed’s distance in the pregnancy — just trying to be strong for me and not get too connected to this baby like he did Sweet Pea. I’m not saying he didn’t and I certainly don’t want to speak to his experience, but we talked about this and I think it’s pretty common. Self-preservation.
When we knew there could be something wrong with Aoife I talked to a dear friend of mine, Connie – telling her that I was trying to not get too connected myself because maybe it would save me some pain. Connie gave me the most loving and wise advice and said that no matter what — it’s going to hurt if you lose her. So just love her, no matter how long you have her – love her completely. My daughter, so wise in her own way, said if she does pass before she is born, she is the luckiest of children because all she will have known her whole life is the safe comfort of her mother. She said, don’t stress and don’t cry – only let her know love. Both my mother and my daughter held steadfast to hope for me, on the days I had none. Thank you both for that.
So, Sweet Pea only knew excitement and love because I never once thought anything would go wrong. I’ve never had the experience of such a loss, and therefore it was never even a possibility in my mind. I did feel something was “off”, but, truly believed it was me just being a worry-wort. I read a quote once that said, “Miscarriage takes the innocence out of pregnancy.” So true. Aoife, I am sure, felt my worry, anxiety and stress because at that time I knew that it could end badly. But, I know – I know – she felt immense love and peace too.
When I cry tears lately – there is so much peace and serenity that follows. And joy. That sounds odd, but my unborn babies felt my love and therefore I am at peace with that.
How can I be so happy lately, when yet I still am crying tears of sorrow? I don’t know. But, I am.
Next Saturday it will be one year since we lost Sweet Pea. I miss the happiness of that pregnancy so much – and how connected Ed and I were during that time. I love the connection that we have now – just as much. Sunday we’ll go hiking in the Superstitions in her (I feel Sweet Pea was a “she” too, but it is true, I don’t know this) memory. I am really looking forward to that.
I hope all of you have a loving Valentine’s Weekend.