It’s been almost one month since I finalized my F*ck It List. I thought it would be a good time to check in with everyone to review what I’ve accomplished in the first month of 2016.
Before we get into the nitty-gritty I want give a Shout-out to my Dad, Chief Petty Officer (Retired) Richard P. Berry. I always like to include that Chief part because I cannot reflect on my Dad, without thinking of him as the Chief. Odd side-note, there is a co-worker of mine who always calls me “Chief” and that cracks me up to the pits of my funny bone because I’m not the Chief! Dad is. I told him that once and he said, “Well, I don’t know your Dad, but I know you – and you’re the Chief.” I understand how he feels.
Without my Dad, I don’t believe there would be a F*ck It List for me to conquer, or the life-skills to do so. My Dad taught me from a young age the importance of goals and the art of setting and achieving goals. I’ve learned over my lifetime that goals are very hard for some people to plan and/or achieve. It truly is an acquired ability that must be practiced during a person’s whole life – setting a big goal, intermediate goals, and short-term daily goals that all circle back to that specific Dream. Often when people fail, it’s the daily goal step that was effed up to begin with, in my opinion.
This is the first time I’ve attempted such a myriad of specific goals, but I do think they all in some way circle back to Healing, as a whole.
Back to the list:
Feel better: Body, Heart and Soul – Definitely making progress here. My physical therapist today commended me on all my hard work with my shoulder! And I will tell you, it is hard and painful. So painful. To force myself to do exercises that as my husband said — I look angry — whenever I’m doing, it is hard to envision the end goal. I imagine this would look something like a Burpee, or Mountain Climber, ha! What helps me during this process is a small piece of wisdom my Dad often told me, “90% of life is just showing up.” Often times, when the hardest part of my day is doing my exercises or seeing the physical therapist – I focus on just getting myself TO my exercise ball, therapy bands or my therapy appointment and just let the rest unfold.
My heart and soul are healing. I bounce around the phases of grief, with a little more time spent in acceptance after each rebound.
A small part about my grief – regarding my contemplations on the unfairness of it all. I have always loved being a mother and with each pregnancy last year I was instantly enamored with the dream of doing it just one more time. When I first became a mother at the tender age of 19, the first half of that year was filled with paralyzing fear. Fear of everything that could go wrong, or what I would do wrong. But, as all of us mom’s know – that fear is just part of the whole mothering package and we learn to quiet the fears as best as we are able.
One day during one of my WIC appointments I was absentmindedly answering the clerk’s questions, while watching Lyzi bobble all over the office. I wish you could see her smile as I remember it in my memory, but we didn’t have cameras on our phones – I didn’t even own a cell phone! I am positive I would have a photo if I had the technology I do now. I remember saying something like, “Look at you – you’re such a beautiful, strong girl!” and smiling back at her feeling so much love. A moment captured forever in my heart. The clerk said to me, “I rarely see that here … you truly enjoy your child. Never forget that joy, always try to come back to that during the tough times.” I’ve never forgotten what she said and while the importance of it was lost on me at the time, I often, so very completely often, come back to the joy of my children these days.
Another one of my favorite Dad-isms is, “Life isn’t fair. Tough shit. Next case.” That popped into my head the other day when I was wallowing in the unfairness of it all. And, it isn’t fair that I lost my babies, but, I am so very tired of pondering on that. I did nothing wrong, my body didn’t fail me and I am okay. “Want in one hand, shit in the other — and see which fills up first,” is another Dad-ism that might fit here.
One more side-note, (as this is my blog and I do-whats-I-want-bytchez) each day that passes in my recovery I am filled with so much gratitude for both my parents. It is with their love and the lessons they taught me growing up and continue to teach me that I am able to reclaim the happiness I am seeking from within. My mom is a kind, loving, strong, giggly and accepting human and my dad all these wonderful things with a dash of funny-hard-ass-wise-ness wrapped up in a gruff and tough exterior (minus the giggly part). Sure, they’ve got their quirks and drive me nuts from time to time (if you have parent’s that don’t I call Bullshit!) and I’m sure I do the same to them! But, I always come back to the joy they found in me as a child, brought to me my whole life and how it shapes me, still – whether I intend it to or not. Phenomenal parenting has that effect.
Okay – back to the list, again:
Continue paying off debt – to be honest, kinda suckin’ on this one here. Playing too much, and not hardline focusing on this goal. I need to work on my weekend daily goals here. That’s where we tend to screw up – going out too much.
Aiden’s room – we have been in this house for a year – complete his room – I have done nothing on this goal.
Get rid of all the extra shit I have in my house. There is a lot – most of it is in the back room – I am proud to report that I have gotten rid of about 6 garbage bags worth of stuff to the charity bin and have probably thrown away another 2 of junk.
Complete the back room – do something with it instead of collecting shit – This goal has now reached a priority status as my daughter has decided to come back home for a bit in April.
Run one race a month in memory of Sweet Pea and Aoife Roux – I have races purchased and scheduled all the way out to May! So training is now in full force – this makes me very happy.
Plan a destination race – possibly a Wine Theme – California or Washington? No progress here.
Plan two, week-long vacations – one is planned for Utah in April.
PHX Summit Challenge – November PHX5 – The date for 2016 hasn’t been announced so I can’t confirm this is on the books, yet.
Plan an EPIC hike – Phantom Ranch? Peralta to First Water? This is still in the works. I am trying to find a partner (or two). I think I would like to hike this on December 7th, the day we lost Aoife.
Be ready to house hunt Jan 2017, move in spring (with as little shit) to pack as possible – End goal.
Hike all 10 hikes on the Best Winter Hikes in Phoenix list – 2 down, 8 to go!
Learn to make homemade beer – our first batch in process! We get to see how it tastes this weekend.
Also, I would like to add one more:
Practice gratitude during the hard times – why? Because it really fucking works. Try it.