About a week ago Ed posted a picture of us from 2 years ago, Thanksgiving. When I saw the picture, my first thought was, “I used to be pretty.” How depressing. Almost immediately my next thought was, “That’s ridiculous, Sina – you’re still that same girl. It was barely two years ago!”
What I realized after mulling it over for quite a bit — the serene, blissful and loving joy I was currently living during that moment the picture was taken was captured and that is what is truly beautiful in that picture. Not my physical appearance as much as my soul. And while it is true that it’s been too long since I’ve felt that utter peaceful, absolute happiness of love and joy … it doesn’t mean I won’t again.
I have the same look on the day of my wedding, actually. You can see it … and that was only 4 weeks after I lost Sweet Pea, and less than a year ago, too.
I feel betrayed by my body. I can do so many great things with it like run marathons, climb mountains, take care of others while I’m exhausted or injured, explore far off places and experience new adventures on an abnormally, yet, luckily a frequent basis … But, I can’t seem to have a baby.
Now, I’ve had two babies – when I was young – when women are biologically designed to have babies. This isn’t lost on me. The fact that my eggs are older than the first Star Wars movie isn’t lost on me either.
My daughter told me she doesn’t want to me try anymore. That she doesn’t want to see me lose another pregnancy and that it’s so hard on my body and keeps me from doing the things I love. It didn’t make me sad to hear that. I love that I raised a young woman confident and loving enough to shake someone she loves a little and say, “Hey! There are all these other people to love and care for and things you love to do! They are still there, waiting for you to come back.”
When I was being checked into the hospital to deliver Aoife my attending nurse that night listened to my heart and said, “Do you run?” A bit surprised I replied, “Yes, why?” She said, “You have the heart of an athlete.”
I have the heart of an athlete … and the womb of a 41 year old woman. It is what it is. I want to love myself again with the gentle acceptance that those two facets can both be beautifully and blissfully celebrated parts of me.
I am fighting a fear that I’ll live with regret if we choose not to try again … which battles a fear I might get sucked down a path of obsession that could lead to intense grief and suffering.
For now I hope to set the intention daily to love myself and to love and celebrate the people I’ve been blessed to share my life with – no matter how long. xo