Big Decisions 

We tried again … not many know but we did.   A third and final miscarriage late last year. 

It was easier in the sense that we went into this pregnancy with a clear understanding of the risks.  Well, it was clear for me.   I do not pretend to completely understand Edward and his feelings in all of this, even though I try.  His experience is his own.  

We talked about trying again … and we even planned on it.  Agreed to try.  

I started having nightmares.  Anxiety.  Ed said, “If this isn’t exciting and fun for you, then we’re done.”

So … the past couple of months have been a new journey.   A lot of tests to ensure that I am okay to proceed with this operation.  And as of yesterday, I have been cleared for tubal ligation and ablation.  I’m excited.  A little sad, a lot scared, but mostly excited to never worry about a pregnancy again

It is so funny when you think about it or maybe I’m a little hysterical with emotion.  I can’t even fathom what it is like not to worry, but, at the same time I’m excited to know.  

What I really think about, when I consider what I will not ever feel again, is that moment.  The moment in which I felt fear or excitement or even when I dared to hope … that has hit me dead-on a few times in my life.         

I’m late – am I pregnant?!!!

I don’t regret a single one of those moments and I cherish each one always.   Where there was fear there was always hope (or vice versa) and you really can’t live without both.  

I still remember that first positive pregnancy test with Sweetpea … my heart thumped in my chest the same way it did when I tested positive with Lyzi two decades prior.  Previous to that moment, I always thought the nervousness and excitement I felt was due largely to my young age ….  Nope … just another part of motherhood.   

Whether or not the test was positive or negative or the pregancy was realized beyond that moment.  Never again do I need to worry or hope or even consider the possibility.  

Big decision.        

It is time.        

I am relieved. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day 2016

Today Ed and I ventured out to the Superstitions …  we formed a cairn in memorial of our losses.  

On this Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day not only do I want to reflect on the early pregnancy losses – our babes who would have been loved so much by Eddie and myself, but even more so the love of my partner through all of this.  My family.  My friends.   The providers, nurses, etc. who were so compassionate, gentle and caring.

Also, I am sending out so much love for people who are in the midst of a loss right now – my heart goes out to them.